Thursday Thoughts

I'm an introverted person. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like confrontation and I'm probably as change and risk-averse as they get.

That's not to say that I can't handle these things, I simply don't like them.

Then why the hell did you start a blog, Sarah?

I deal with my feelings internally, reflecting on things until I've come to terms with them and feel like I can move on.

This is not always a strength of mine, which is somewhat ironic since I often see it as being strong so that I don't need the support of someone else. It can (and has) gotten me into trouble when feelings have just built up until they finally bubble over into an often overly emotional, ugly meltdown complete with the heaving-I-can't-breathe shakes, snot and blotchy skin. TMI? Seriously, it's true.

This past weekend was a bittersweet one. I celebrated a friend's beautiful wedding and the beginning of her life with a wonderful man who is beyond perfect for her. I cried, sniffles included, but very happy tears.

The following day, I sat in a hospital room and watched my grandmother pass away in front of my eyes.

In the past few days, I've had several ugly, emotional meltdowns. My feelings have bounced all over the place. Thankfulness for being able to say goodbye. Relief that she's no longer struggling. Overwhelming sadness. Anger with myself for reacting so emotionally instead of staying strong for my mom and my family. Guilt for not going to see her sooner.

And then there's that elephant in the room feeling. The divide between those people who know and those that don't. Those that tip toe around your feelings and offer their sympathy and support, and those that without realizing it only remind you that regardless of how you feel - life goes on.

Is there really an appropriate or right way to acknowledge a loss, especially when many people now learn things through social media vs. the local newspaper? I've never been an advocate for posting things like this on Facebook or Twitter. While I understand the effectiveness of the avenues in regards to sharing information, it's always seemed a little disrespectful and attention-seeking to me, at least when those feelings of loss and grief are still so raw. And yet here I am posting it on my blog, so maybe I'm wrong.

I think in this case, I simply needed to acknowledge it. Not because I want the attention, but because it would have felt wrong (and still does to some extent) to move on without saying something. Then again, I could write for days and probably still feel as though I didn't accurately capture my feelings or her life.

So instead, just know that right now, I'm sad. I love my Grandma, and I'll miss her for a very long time to come.